Three of our blended Five. And a snowman in April in Texas. Subliminal message: a successful child, post divorce, is not a snowball in hell.

Many of my readers have a divorce in the family or are non-traditional in some way.  I believe that divorce itself is not harmful to kids in all circumstances; rather it is the bad behavior of adults that harms children, before or after a divorce, or with no divorce at all.  Yesterday I shared my (hopefully) humorous thoughts on the topic of “harming” kids, but today I take a more serious turn and share this link on the topic for you to ponder.  And I welcome your thoughts in the comments.

http://www.livescience.com/culture/parents-divorce-children-relationships-100630.html

Pamelot

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5 Responses to Yeah, been there/done this/bought the T-shirt.

  1. I agree that two calm, separate households are better than one battleground. As a teacher, I have had to sit through some of the most horrific parent conferences where the two parents obviously just hated each other, and would not come to an agreement about programming for their child because they were using the child to get back at each other. While no one wants to see a family break up, it can be better for everyone concerned. And children are remarkable little humans. They adjust!

    • Pamela says:

      I love getting the point of view of a teacher on this. You guys have so much exposure to our kids. Sometimes it is a weird feeling to know that people I barely know are so in tune with my children, yet it is often comforting as well because so many of them exert such a tremendous positive influence. I think MOST parents want to give their kids the best (or at least many many many parents), and each moment of pain we cause them hurts us too. There are big exceptions to this rule, and that’s where I think kids end up hurt the most.

  2. Deborah says:

    Great topic to bring up Pamela. I’m a big fan of supporting families, supporting marriages in staying together, and supporting families when finding a new form is necessary. It’s such an individual situation, I fin

    My small children have grown into amazing teens who still have open, caring hearts, tell the truth, act with integrity and find constructive solutions. I don’t believe this would be the case if I had struggled to stay in my marriage for the sake of staying in the marriage when it so clearly was not working.

    I used the pain and upsets to fan the fire of my vision for my family, to learn and remake myself into the parent I wanted to be, not a victim of anything. Sell-coaching skills certainly didn’t hurt. But I do not coach my kids, only myself. And I’ve let them be mirrors and teachers so that I might not be a parent by default.

    I had to greatly increase my skills when it came to communication skills to get through the process of remaking the form of our family. And I will always be grateful, because they served me well, and as I learned, my kids just absorbed them all.

    As a coach, I think that staying together, making a partnership and a family is not always easy and I honor those who work at it. I think that not staying together is not easy either, for different reasons, and I honor those who stretch to do so and affirm themselves and their kids in doing so. Perhaps it’s not the form but the manner in which we proceed. Love or fear, eh?

    Either way, sometimes it takes awhile to get through the hurts, back to the love. But it’s worth it, I think. The most important thing, as I understand it, is to refrain from fear-based story and criticism about the other parent. My counselor told me that children inherently know that they come from both. And when one makes the other wrong, they are making the child wrong, whether they realize it or not. I really listened to that. And I reap the rewards now. Great blog topic Pamela.

    • Pamela says:

      Awesome information and sharing, Deborah. Thank you for including your link.

      Check out her site, you guys. Great information about her coaching.

  3. Pamela says:

    Interesting but not surprising: I got personal email, DM, and FB msgs on this topic, but people were hesitant to “put it out there” on the web. I totally understand — I am extremely careful about my words regarding this topic, too.

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