A few weeks ago, I saw this by the cash register at our local Blockbuster:

Hello kiddies! I'm Big Papa. I am only a pickle. Don't get any funny ideas.

Last week:

Hmmmm, Big Papa plus the sassy Hot Mama. It's getting a little steamy in here. (That's my son Clark hand modeling. Luckily I was there to deal with the emotional impact on my *impressionable* 14-year old)

Yesterday:

Big Papa + Hot Mama = the Big "O". I'm fanning myself, whew.

I asked the cashier what he thought about “Hot Mama” and he said, “I think I’d stick a peppermint in and eat it like a lollipop.”  I AM NOT KIDDING.  YOU CAN ASK MY (DAMAGED) SON.  I am pretty sure this is inappropriate.  I am a certified expert in what is inappropriate, seriously, at least according to state court in Bexar County.  It’s a long story; just trust me on it.

Way to go, Blockbuster!

For those of you worried that these risque snacks at Blockbuster might pickle Clark’s brain, I am thinking that I might have done that already myself.

One time, I took Clark and his younger sister Suz to see Talladega Nights, when they were only 11 and 9.  It cracked me up, but I spent most of the movie blushing, with my hands over somebody’s eyes and ears — my own.  I wish there had been more people with me so someone could have done the same for my kids, but the only other person there was my mother, and she had her hands over her own eyes, too.

I’d feel guilty about this, except…come to think of it…you can rent Talladega Nights at Blockbuster.

Recently, I rented “Youth in Revolt” and allowed my teenagers to watch it unsupervised.  Only later did I watch it myself.

(I know — I rock.)

Besides some excellent scenes reminiscent of our own beloved Quacker, most of the movie glorified teenage sex and criminal behavior.  I think I’m going to need therapy to deal with the thought of my kids watching it.   Or the thought that other people now know my kids watched it.  Even though I’m the one who just told everyone.   Which is really beside the point.

But wait! I rented Youth in Revolt at…you guessed it…Blockbuster.

Today I cleaned Clark’s room.  I do not make it a habit to clean Clark’s room, or even go into it, if I can help it.  In fact, I don’t go upstairs to the “dormitory” part of our house where our youngest three kids live any more than is absolutely necessary.  My slightly OCD brain short circuits when I can’t see the floor in their rooms because everything they own is strewn upon it.

So anyway, when I stripped the sheets off Clark’s bed, I discovered a SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIM SUIT EDITION MAGAZINE stashed between his mattress and box springs.

Uh oh. I see a common link.

I’m pretty sure he must have gotten it at…Blockbuster.

CLICK TO ENLARGE. Check out the mailing label.

I don’t know who this Eric Hutchins is, but I am calling Blockbuster to complain about him IMMEDIATELY.

Pamelot

p.s. I hope C.P.S. isn’t reading this, because I’d hate to lose the kids.  Unless they’d allow me to visit.  And let them come back to do chores.  Then, it might not be so bad.

p.p.s. I wonder if it is OK for me to contact C.P.S. myself?!?  (J.K.?)

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53 Responses to I’m pretty sure this is inappropriate.

  1. Kim Jackson says:

    Don’t feel to bad about the movies… I sat through PRECIOUS with my 11 yr old and 13 yr old and was so traumatized myself I couldn’t even speak to ask them if they were ok…

  2. Glenda Finnegan says:

    Thank God for a mom with a sense of humor! Your kids are going to end up 100 percent healthier than kids who’s parents are anal and repressive. Your kids would fit right in at our house! Do they like Southpark and Family Guy?

    • Pamela says:

      They like them! We do try to have a sense of humor and teach them the difference between make-believe and reality. One day I caught Sami watching one of the Kardashian shows and we had a discussion about make-believe and Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus, et al. Now, I also asked her not to watch it because it was a waste of brain cells, and she had other more important things to do, ha ha. Another time I caught Clark with internet tracks to adult sites, and that precipitated the respect and that-ain’t-reality talk, too. Life gives us teachable moments. We again asked him to stay off the sites, and asked him how embarrassed he would be if one of his sisters walked up and saw it, or, worse, one of their friends. I would rather teacher than shelter, although we try to have limits. “Try” — doesn’t always happen. I wish I could take back Youth in Revolt (!!), but not Talladega Nights 🙂

      And I try to find the giggle in everything I can. They are all good kids who are growing up well-adjusted and well-behaved (knock wood, so far) with the normal issues and oopses — 26, 22, 17, 15, and 13. So — counting all the parents and step-parents — we are keeping it on the rails.

    • Pamela says:

      I already wrote a long reply, but I’ll add one MORE thing: our goal (Eric’s and mine) is to help our kids make good choices through the age when they become adults, when hopefully we have given them the base to be responsible adults. We don’t care about being their buddies. And we know that even the best-raised kids face a multitude of challenges as adults, some of which, like us, they will mess up, and others which they won’t be able to completely control (illness, genetics, bad luck). We hope we can be a resource and loved one all their lives, but, … goal #1 is good choices and readiness for adulthood.

  3. Peter Fagan says:

    Maybe reading the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition is a hereditary thing. I hear his 95 year old great grandfather reads (looks at) it cover to cover every year.

  4. Eric Hutchins says:

    We all have far LESS control over what are kids get into than we think we do. Far better to try to help them make good choices and differentiate between right and wrong, than waste a whole lot of energy on trying to sterilize the world.

    With the one qualifier that I think there IS an “age appropriate” factor that comes into play, meaning I think its OK to attempt to delay exposure to certain things until kids are prepared to process them.

  5. Eric Hutchins says:

    AND
    that last comment was far too serious for this blog,
    I thought the blog was hilarious.

    • Pamela says:

      Yeah, lighten up will ya? (And then look at my last two comments — bottom line: it’s a serious topic to me, and I believe it is OK to find the humor in it, but it is still serious)

  6. Kevin Proops says:

    Hey, at least Eric has good taste. As a sign of better days ahead, the Blockbuster near us is going out of business. Netflix and on-demand have pretty well destroyed their neighborhood store business model.

    Pamela, better not get into checking what sites have been browsed on the internet – you probably won’t like what you find.

    Great column, thanks for the smiles. I completely understand the kids bedroom issue and I likewise avoided them – but I couldn’t handle it when I’d find a big pile of used Kleenex on the couch after putting my son (Eric) to bed…

  7. Michele Matney says:

    You’ll like this, Pamela…
    A few weeks ago I was watching Godfather in the living room with the “mute” button on while the little kids were in the back playing. I slipped into the kitchen and started visiting with John for awhile before I realized that I left the t.v. on. I crept back in the room just in time for the scene when Pacino’s new bride drops her nightgown–and, of course, there’s my little guy (7), on the couch with eyes like saucers. “Hey pal,” was all I could muster. I ran to the kitchen to tell the hubby and Jay followed. John was far more profound in the moment…”Hey there, what were you watching in there?” Jay, “Boobies–and they didn’t have any clothes on them.” After a brief pause, John in his infinite maturity responds, “So, what’d you think?” Jay snickered and replied–with two thumbs up–“Good.” I’ll save you a seat in the CPS office, my friend.

  8. Heidiopia says:

    I’ve had many “Mother of the Year” moments myself! Love that you can find the humor in those moments, too! Stuff happens and we do the best we can. I’m a believer that our kids learn as much from watching how we handle our own “oops” as they do from watching us model good choices/behavior. 🙂

    • Pamela says:

      I tell my kids all the time how lucky they are to have the Mother of the Year, and that I put so much effort into searching for the most inappropriate step-father I could find. It is quite gratifying really to see how much they appreciate it, ha ha.

  9. TJ Walker says:

    Pamela, your site is looking great. Congrats and keep it up!

  10. Amy says:

    Pretty funny:) Our home is the the poster home for innapropriate. You should read my Hanky Panky post!

    • Pamela says:

      I just went and read it — hilarious! My kids are always on me to “shut the bathroom door.” I would, if it didn’t make me CLAUSTROPHOBIC!

  11. Rene Riedlinger says:

    Hi Pamela. This was funny! Serious with a side of funny! Can really relate. My Victoria Secrets catalogs disappear as fast as they send them. I’m still laughing over your blog about your iPhone. Mine has the same male name hangup. Twice today it struck. I typed robbed and iPhone wrote Ron and I typed Just and iPhone wrote Juan! Keep up the great writing!

    • Pamela says:

      Ah, Victoria’s Secret Catalogs! We not only have to fight against those, but we have “teenage sister’s friends that sleep over,” which is a thrill for Clark. 🙂

  12. […] children, before or after a divorce, or with no divorce at all.  Yesterday I shared my (hopefully) humorous thoughts on the topic of “harming” kids, but today I take a more serious turn and share this link on the topic for you to ponder.  And I […]

  13. susie says:

    I can’t believe that Eric would share his Sports illus. swimsuit edition magazine. I thought he kept it all for himnself!!

  14. […] August 15, 2010 When Eric and I first married, he authorized me to weed his closet of all unacceptable clothing and footwear.  I ended up with more “no’s” than “yes’s”, but I got him straightened out.  Occasionally he still makes unauthorized clothing purchases.  Crude message t-shirts draw him in like a teenage boy to the annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition. […]

  15. Eric Hutchins says:

    And to be CLLLLLLEEEAAAR it is Clark’s subscription to Sports Illustrated BOUGHT for him by Grandma and Grandpa Hutchins!!!!
    I have nothing whatsoever to do with it.

  16. […] made it through a whole post without mentioning Ironman underwear, tan lines, speedos, or any other inappropriate or crude reference whatsoever.  I’m sorry; I’ll do better next time. Posted […]

  17. […] also found the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition magazine under his mattress, but that’s the subject of a different […]

  18. […] HOLY CRAP.  HE WAS PLANNING.  HE PACKED A BAG. (Not very well, but baby steps, People!) […]

  19. […] he puts up with me writing about him and generally being a gigantic pain in the ass.  I love my normal, fallible kids and step-kids.  I love our messed-up, wacky […]

  20. […] ABOVE:  Remember Big Papa, Hot Mama, and the Big “O”? Same company/brand…non-nasty names. I told you, it *IS* Blockbuster’s fault! […]

  21. […] Oh yeah.  And the tour was rated R.  Definitely rated R.  What parents would bring their young kids to this?  Brings to mind the time I took my precious tots to see Talladega Nights and spent most of the movie with hands over their ears. […]

  22. […] he puts up with me writing about him and generally being a gigantic pain in the ass.  I love my normal, fallible kids and step-kids.  I love our messed-up, wacky […]

  23. ROFLMAO. You are Supermom. If I wasn’t already promised to Expressmom in my next life, I’d want to come back as one of your kids.

  24. Irene says:

    You didn’t happen to find a DVD case for 2Fast 2 Furious by any chance in Clark’s room? Missing in our house.

    There are two Playboy mags under my son’s bed at this very moment. They’ve been there for at least 4 years. Maybe 5. I found them last year.

    “(damaged)son” LMAO!! Mine has “silly brain”. They’re just not right when they’re teenagers (or early 20s).

    At least you let them see movies that are rated R or PG13. My kids won’t let me live the fact down that I wouldn’t let them view porn on the computer at the age of 12. They found nothing wrong with that. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Unfortunately, at this age, they probably know more than I do about sex. Ok, maybe not.

    Sex sells. I bet those little snacks sold out that night!
    Irene recently posted..Why Did Mommy Leave

  25. adena says:

    you rock, that is all.. no wait, next life I’m coming back as your kid.. but daughter, not son. I like being a girl.

  26. LBDDiaries says:

    I will call CPS for you if you will sent the kiddies to my house for chores, too. I’m such a good friend like that. Very funny blog – I hadn’t seen it yet so it’s like it was all brand new! Fun!
    LBDDiaries recently posted..Real Love is Unforgettable

  27. Sandy says:

    Oh Pamela…LMAO over here at work. People are really starting to wonder if they should check my own trackbacks when I’m not here because I’m laughing so hard.

    Of course, I’m laughing because I’ll be there at the CPS office getting interviewed right along with you! I’ve been that Mom that took her kids to what turned out to be maybe not the best choice of movies…and I’ll confess that we do let our 13 year-old boy keep the a mag with the slightly racy cover (I really can’t remember which one it was – GQ?) just because. I know that our theory is don’t prevent (you can’t) but have some say in what they’re seeing…

    Still, it’s good to know that we’re not the only ones! Keep up the good work!
    Sandy recently posted..Seven Months

    • Pamela says:

      We let him keep his well-thumbed SI mags in the vain hope it will keep him off porn sites, LOL. Fat chance. This is the bane of the parent of teen boys in the age of technology. But we keep trying!!

  28. Ally says:

    Ha! You gotta watch that Blockbuster!
    We watched Social Network last night, and I kept telling my son that college was really NOT about those parties they were showing or getting blowjobs in the bathroom. That it doesn’t really happen that way. You think he believed me, right???
    Ally recently posted..A Glimmer Of Hope

  29. LOL! You totally DO rock! My dad used to let us watch anything that involved fights and tight shorts and was R-rated. My brothers turned out awesome.
    When I was teaching Jr. High, I made the mistake of showing a PG-13 movie that I had seen before. Save The Last Dance. A pretty good movie. For an adult. I made the mistake of not watching it through a teacher’s eyes before I blasted it on my big screen for thirty 12-14-year-olds. Let’s just say I turned it off after the twentieth swear word. It was bad. But, of course, they loved it and protested when I put an end to it. Fortunately, no parents called!!
    Wild Child Mama recently posted..Drunk in Mexico

    • Pamela says:

      Our theory is to keep it real rather than shelter, and than let them make choices. We’re batting about .600 ha ha.

      We have a great time, though.

  30. […] under the canoe, honey,” he said;  2) This should lead to a spike in Icy Hot sales; and 3) I’m pretty sure this is inappropriate. Share and Enjoy: Middle-Aged Mediocrity: Health and Athletics, Relationships: Because You Can't […]

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