Last weekend we were at Target braving the back to school crowds.  At checkout, Eric picked the line.  In all the lines around us, people that started after us were soon signing their charge slips and headed out the door while we still languished in line hell.

“You pick checkout lines as well as you pick movies,” I said.  He was, after all, the man who had made me see Nacho Libre with him in the theater.

“Oh, I think you’ll agree this wait was worth it,” he replied.  He smirked.

“Whaddya mean?”

He gestured with his thumb, and looked a little like Arthur Fonzarelli when he did it.

I craned my neck around the motionless line of humanity in front of us.  My eyes landed belly button level on the voluminous breasts of the cashier, breasts that hung to her hips.  But it wasn’t her breasts that caught my eyes.  It was the tattoos on each of them that she displayed with a Size XXXXL scoop-necked top.  On her right was an elongated funhouse mirror version of Yosemite Sam, who probably started out normal sized twenty years before.  On her left was a similarly distorted Tweety Bird.  Each tat had writing below it:  a name and a date.  By enormous strength of will, I tore my eyes away and back to my husband’s.

“OMG,” I whispered.

“OMG,” he agreed.

“Can you read them?”

“It’s a boy’s name and date on one, and a girl’s name and date on the other.”

Just then we heard the person ahead of us ask her about them.

“This one here’s for my son, and this one’s for my daughter,” the cashier drawled.  She beamed as she pointed to each.

I know my jaw fell open.  Her children.  She was displaying commemorative tats on her free-flowing gunny sack breasts of each of her kids.

“That’d be a way to keep Susanne andClark in line,” Eric said.  “You could threaten to tattoo their names and faces on your breasts if they screw up during high school.”

“Maybe it would be more appropriate to threaten to tattoo one of them on each butt cheek, if they were butt heads,” I said.

“Then we could call them butt faces, and it wouldn’t be derogatory,” he agreed.

By now we had reached the front of the line, so we stopped our conversation and held in the giggles long enough to make it to the front door of Target.

“I wonder if someone could make temporary tattoos for you like that?” Eric asked.  “It would be pretty funny.”

I didn’t answer.   I was already mentally sketching two tattoos  and staging a family Christmas photo around the art work.

And I thought the family portrait tattoo across a man’s back — with his wife younger, prettier, and 70 pounds lighter than she was in person — that we saw at Schlitterbahn a few weeks before was the tackiest thing I’d ever seen.   At least he hadn’t had it done on a sagging body part.

Leaving you with these horrifying mental images, I bid you adieu and wish you a great week —

Pamelot

p.s. So, what’s the worst tattoo YOU’VE ever seen?

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28 Responses to A tiny token of my devotion.

  1. You two have me cracking up this morning. Goes great with my coffee! Living in Vegas, I am ‘privy’ to such outrageous tats, and in fact, have made a sport of viewing them. Joan and I are always on “tat watch”. One day we saw the tat to end all tats. And where? WalMart of course! A very large woman with tight hip-fitting type jeans entertained us in line with a bendover. We saw butt-cracky which was bad enough, but our eyeballs were actually ablaze at the snake tat going from around her neck, straight down her back…..and disappearing somewhere in the deep dark grossness of her butt cheeks. It was a memorable WalMart moment indeed.

    • Pamela says:

      We also recently saw a tattoo of a rosary that extended from a woman’s neck, between her breasts, and down into the front of her bathing suit bottoms. Classy.

  2. That is hilarious. You guys can make even a simple trip to Target sound like so much fun. I’m not sure what the worst tattoo I’ve ever seen is, but there sure are some strange ones out there. Thanks for the laughs today, Pamela.

    Darryl

    • Pamela says:

      It was fun 🙂
      And I told the kids about the tattoo ideas. They laughed. I really want to see about getting a temporary tattoo done, b/c I think they’d die if I showed up with those peeking out of my shirt or bathing suit bottoms.
      We have strange senses of humor at our house…

  3. Tracie says:

    My brain is burning just thinking about those tattoos. Who does that?

    I want to see pictures of you with some fabulously horribly temporary tattoos.

    • Pamela says:

      I know!!! Where is a person like that raised, and by whom, or what? OMG.

      I have to plan an outfit and staging around the tattoos I have in mind. I love embarrassing my kids!

  4. —-Hi, Pamelot,
    OmG, those poooooor children. Both of them stuck to mamas tits forever. HA HA
    You should have gotten a photo for your blog! Damn it!
    —Funny stuff.
    The worst tattoo I saw that was not funny was a swasika…that was NOT funny. I remember thinking “You idiot. How can you walk around with that, you ignorant Fool?”
    xxxx

    • Pamela says:

      LOL, that does give a whole new meaning to the expression.

      And that tattoo is awful — imagine feeling so much hate that is all you can think to convey in your permanent body ink. Nice.

  5. Have you two ever seen the series of pictures taken at WalMart? You would die… I have to be very careful not to have any liquids near my laptop when I look at them- I may spew them out of my mouth saying OMG or knock them over slamming the cover down… I can just see you two in line… the couple in love 😉 thanks for making me smile this morning Pamela

  6. Pamela says:

    From email:

    —–Original Message—–
    From: Pamelot’s Dad
    To: Pamelot
    Sent: Tue, Aug 16, 2011 6:58 am
    Subject: Re: Road to Joy: A tiny token of my devotion.

    the really weird part to the story is she was proud of her tattoos!

  7. i keep threatening to get an ant tattoo. so far, i haven’t, but i just might….you two are great!

    • Pamela says:

      uh oh, dare i ask why an ant?
      i want an M Dot.
      However, i don’t have time to earn one until we get our last two teenagers licensed to drive their own selves to school, debate, swimming, choir, etc!

  8. Eric Hutchins says:

    Yosemite Sam looked like he could have played for the Lakers.

    AND

    She was so incredibly slow I think I had a couple birthdays in the time I stood in line.

    AND

    Pamela DONT DOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT! 🙂

  9. Sandy says:

    Gross! Just Gross!! I don’t even know what else can be said about that!

  10. JennyBean says:

    Bless her heart….

  11. Ally says:

    I know I’m late to the party here, but this had me laughing! And don’t think I’m not going to use the tattoo threat on my son…. 🙂

  12. LBDDiaries says:

    I live in the boonies. I don’t see many tattoos except ordinary ones. Then again, I don’t get out much. May I just say that it sounds like I need to be GLAD I don’t get out much? I could NEVER have stayed in that line. The giggles would have overtaken me. Now the image is burned forever in my eyes of a sagging Sam and Tweety and I wasn’t even there! You are SUCH a friend to share with us(smile)!

  13. […] A tiny token of my devotion. How to Screw-Up Your Kids   allergies, anaphylaxis, chemical sensitivity, love, nitrates, nitrites, Pamela Fagan Hutchins, susanne, writing   Don't be shy, share! And while you're at it, if you're reading this online then click that obnoxious Follow Me tab on the right margin of your screen and come along for the social media ride. Comment me that you followed so I can come find you, too. Then we can stalk each other like good little voyeurs and girls . . . « Monday Madness: Week 1!    Are you talking to me? » […]

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