Getting older sure beats the alternative. However, there are indignities associated with middle age. And I’m not just talking about cellulite and the absence of wolf whistles from construction crews.

I’m talking about granny glasses.

I broke down and visited the eye doctor last week. After fifteen minutes of his gentle tongue lashing a la “Why didn’t you come see us four years ago? How can you function as a writer with this kind of near-vision? You’re giving yourself eye strain, headaches, and crow’s feet [thanks for rubbing salt in the wound, there, Doctor],” he talked options.

“How would you feel about a permanent solution?” he asked.

“You mean Lasik?” I could do Lasik. One procedure, no more hassle. Awesome idea.

“No, I mean full-time glasses instead of just reading glasses.” He looked down at his notes and pretended to write something.

“I’m not following you. I only need them to read. They mess up my far-vision.”

“Um, some people like to have the ability to read and keep their far-vision intact, so they go with a split lens.” He had now completely turned his back on me and was fiddling with instruments. The man was afraid of something.

“You mean bi-focals????” I squawked. Because chickens understand chicken language.

“Yes, that’s what some people call them.”

“No, I don’t think I’m there yet,” I huffed. Helloooo, had he looked at me? Did I resemble a wearer of granny glasses to him? Surely not yet, surely I was a lonnnngggg way from that.

So, after that smackdown, off I trotted to get my reading glasses. I tried on a bazillion pair, and finally narrowed it down to three. I took pictures of myself in them on my iPhone and texted them to Eric for the final choice. Luckily, he agreed with mine. Thus, I have a photographic record of the exact glasses I selected and handed to the sweet young woman who helped me. The exact simple, plain, top-rimmed gold wire glasses with tortoise shell ear pieces that I picked out and ordered.

My glasses arrived yesterday. I’m wearing them as I type (and I can see the screen, which is a nice change). The young woman fitted me for them in the store and said, “These are so pretty that it’s a shame they’re just for reading.”

I beamed.

Until she handed them to me. Apparently, the manufacturer had upgraded the model in between when the store obtained their sample pair and when they placed my order. My simple gold wire-rimmed frames had transformed. They were bedazzled. Bejeweled.

Be-what?

The only people I ever saw wearing pimped out glasses with rhinestone hoohas were blue-haired octogenarians in scooters at Kroger Grocery. I, a spring chicken of 45, an athlete who plans to rock a bikini this summer, could not wear Jewells. What rat bastard saw my order and decided that I fit the Jewell profile? If I ever meet him, he’s in for an ass kicking.

I questioned the order. The woman verified that the glasses ordered were the same model as those I had tried on and those received, just…better.

I put them on. I could read my credit card receipt. I could read the fine print on my warranty. I looked sort of cute, from the front. So, I could either suck it up and wear the pair I bought, or I could select a new pair and fork over a few additional Ben Franklins.

Pffft, everyone knows I’m cheap as dirt. Y’all can now enjoy the image of me for the next coupla years, rocking my bedazzled specs. I’ll just leave them at home and go blind when I’m with a client.

I’d write more, but I’ve got to go drink my Metamucil now.

<3

Pamelot

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42 Responses to Bedazzled and Befuddled

  1. Terri Sonoda says:

    LMAO. I went through this very same thing about ten years ago, in my late 40s. It was sobering. It was depressing. It was a fact of life. And I am almost willing to bet a few Ben Franklins that you look amazing in your new bedazzled specs. So? Where’s the photos?
    C’mon, don’t keep your stalkers….er, I mean fans, in the lurch.

    HUGS, and Happy Friday,
    Terri
    Terri Sonoda recently posted..One for the Books

  2. Heidi Dorey says:

    LOL! I love this. I am still living in denial..even as my eyes burn to focus at the end of the day.
    I’m like, “Nope. It’s all good. I don’t believe in poor eyesight. If I don’t believe, then it’s not real.”

  3. Petra says:

    Don’t be afraid, you don’t need to wear granny glasses (bifocal lenses), because there already exists a solution. They are called progressive lenses, which are also bifocal, but the borderline between the layers is invisible, It looks like a usual lens, but with bifocal attributes.
    Petra recently posted..Hochhäuser in Europa

  4. Jennifer says:

    What is with the bedazzling on glasses these days? I mean, do we really need to put rhinestones so close to our eyes? Weird. Just weird. I, too, am approaching the bifocal situation and am digging my heels in. Maybe now I won’t feel so, uh, old knowing that a friend took the plunge! 🙂
    Jennifer recently posted..Blogger’s Dance…Respect!

  5. Vidya Sury says:

    Girls, girls, I speak as one born with a birth defect – my right eye is practically blind. Okay, so we didn’t realize i needed glasses – near or far vision. I was wayy too pretty and cherubic, you see. No, Angel is the word I am after. Cute brown eyes. Hazel-ish.

    Okay…enough. Seventh grade arrived and I had to sit in one of the back benches in school. I usually sat in front because I was petite (not short, folks, just petite, okay?). But with the petite-ness also came the inability to see the board, so I just cited the petite-ness for wanting to sit in front. Two rows back and I was blind. To the board I mean. Got me a bad name peering into my neighbor’s book – a neighbor with 20/20 who doodled and never once wrote the notes. Yikes.

    Anyway, a medical test in school revealed all. And off I was whipped to get the glasses. Those were the days of waiting 30 minutes after each round of eye drops to dilate the pupils. And after the test, walking back home was a challenge because the entire world was in a drunken haze. Not that I drank. Not at the age of 11 anyway.

    So. thus began the saga of my wearing spectacles. I’ve worn all sorts. Weird sorts. I still wear them. Except now I wear progressive lenses – constant wear. So no need to change glasses for reading and far vision. I did go through a short period though, when I could have given any poker dealer a run for her money with the speed at which I switched from one pair to the other. I am very cool like that. Hmm.

    A couple of decades ago I did visit the best eye hospital here to see if something could not be done about improving my eyesight, what with lasers and all. They said I had a 50-50 chance. I figured my present 50 was better than the risky 50.

    Which also accounts for why I always look like am smiling. I’d hate for anyone to think I was ignoring them….regardless of whether I knew them or not.

    And oh, did I mention I am colorblind?

    Talk about bedazzled and befuddled 😀 So Ms.Pamela, where art thy pictures? My optician always shows me the bejeweled ones. I like to think he enjoys my expressive face because he spends so much time showing so many frames.

    I kind of forgot I am commenting and not writing a post 😀
    Vidya Sury recently posted..Staying On Top

    • Pamela says:

      Halfway through reading your comment I was laughing and Eric asked, “What are you doing?”
      “I’m reading Vidya’s post.”
      “But that’s your blog.”
      “I know, but her comment is as long as a post, and it’s very funny.”
      And then I got to your last line, and I laughed harder.
      Petite, colorblind and bespectacled. Sounds perfect!

  6. Gdvh right dyjbe gdg. Aha! Found them. Glasses are my friends. @ least I keep telling myself that. I got my bifocals last spring. @ 42, I was the only person not to have glasses. I hate them, but can’t take slivers out without them.
    Hang in there! Now you just need a beaded chain to hang them from….

    • Pamela says:

      I can’t either. Nor can I thread a needle anymore (not that I do that much, but sometimes a girl needs to sew on a button). But, I am happy wearing them. Speaking of which, I need to go find them so I can see what I’m typing.

  7. As a long-time contact lens wearer (1969), I was NOT going to go the glasses route (I’m too careless w/glasses) when some stupid words became distant. I blamed the words for as long as I could. Thank goodness science kept up with me and they came out with mono-vision contacts – the left lens set for reading, the right lens for seeing far away, mixed just right so you can read a book or see the car coming toward you without hassle! They haven’t figured out a way to bedazzle my contacts, thank goodness!!
    nan @ lbddiaries recently posted..Sweetest Passion Redux

  8. Eric Hutchins says:

    In a few short years I have gone from sort of needing glasses to completely unable to read with out them. 🙁 . Ouch. Sucks.
    However, in the spirit of your awesome new ones I was thinking about getting some horn-rimmed ones and a matching pocket protector to go with my career stereotype.

  9. That is hilarious! If it’s any consolation, you’ll always be 26 to me 🙂

  10. Stasha says:

    You are blingy and can see. Win win Dame Edna 😉
    Stasha recently posted..Scavenger hunt

  11. Kimberly says:

    So can I call you Snooki?

  12. Picture! Picture!

    I want to see them on you, Hot mama. Xx
    My Inner Chick recently posted..21 Things I Learned After Your Murder

  13. I wish I could see a photo! I’m sure they look totally hot.
    I hate wearing glasses. Contacts are just fine but LASIK would be better!! But I’m a cheap skate, too.
    Btw, have you checked out Zenni Optical online? Omgoodness. If you wanna save a dime and get a few pairs, that’s the answer! It’s the only place I buy my glasses now and I feel like I’m outsmarting the optical departments every time!!
    Wild Child Mama recently posted..3 Things Thursday

  14. Nicole says:

    So they have a fine print saying “Actual product may differ from the sample”? Too bad.

    I would choose Lasik anytime over those glasses.

  15. Blond Duck says:

    Popped in to say hi! I love how you use your books to help others! I’d love to do that with my writing.
    Blond Duck recently posted..Memorial Monday

  16. Ally says:

    I think they’re pretty darn cute! I’m almost there with you, sister. After 44 years of bragging about perfect vision, I’m getting a little tired of pushing the small things away so that I can “kinda” read them. I bought the over-the-counter readers that I sneak on at home sometimes, but I should probably go get a real eye exam…
    Ally recently posted..Washing, Washing, Washing

    • Pamela says:

      After one week wearing these things, I can’t see to read without them. My eyes have “relaxed” and refuse to strain henceforth. 🙁

  17. laura j. says:

    I turned 48 in January, but I’ve been wearing progressives for … probably five years now? They really aren’t that bad, and if you don’t tell, no one will know that they are “old people” glasses. 😉 Beats the heck out of not being able to see what you’re doing! Mine have a little “blingy bling” on the sides, too. Just pretend like they’re Yellow Box sandals for your eyes. lol
    laura j. recently posted..“Joy”

  18. JennyBean says:

    Tres chic, dahling!

    Not being able to see freaks me out, and it seems like it just came one day out of the blue. Nothing gradual about it. I turned 44 and, boom, there went my vision.
    JennyBean recently posted..Why I haven’t posted in more than three weeks: #1

    • Pamela says:

      i’m still perfect in distance vision, but damn, it was 44 for me too, altho i waited until i was 45.5 to do anything about it…..

  19. JennyBean says:

    I’m out bloggy visiting at 1 a.m. and it seems you are too, except that in Texas, you’re probably an hour behind me.

    As for glasses, I’ve got reading glasses all over the place–in my pocketbook, on my desk, in my car, in the refridgerator….
    JennyBean recently posted..Why I haven’t posted in more than three weeks: #1

    • Pamela says:

      Yeah, when I came “home” I saw you’d been here, funny, I was in reader and saw “the bean re-emerged” and had to run see 🙂
      Eric has 4 pairs of reading glasses, 2 prescip, 2 nonprescrip, and he can still never find any.
      I would already be LOST without them. It’s like either I didn’t know how bad it was, and the contrast to returning to it makes it apparent, or my eyes don’t readjust.
      Either way, I like being able to see what I’m typing.

  20. Sandy Webb says:

    Yep….I can no longer see to read either. I wear one contact though. One eye for close and one eye for distance. No bedazzled granny glasses for me….at least not yet!
    Sandy Webb recently posted..RIP Okie

    • Pamela says:

      I may have to cave for contacts, b/c now I find myself after one week never taking these damn things off. I just push them down my nose and look over them. Not good. Even mmore granny-ish!

  21. Hey now, I wear bedazzled glasses they are “fabu” and so are you. Marty had to get bi-focals this year and he cried like a baby ;P or at least he wanted to.

    I was told I need to wear mine full time also. I do like the good girl I am except right now. Oops.

    • Pamela says:

      I want full time glasses now — I never want to be without my reading glasses. I think i’ll have to go back in and get a prescrip 🙂

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