This started as a short caption to the picture below, at the end of my mother-in-law’s recent visit. Once I started expressing myself, though, all this came pouring out. I shared it with my husband, who surprised me by asking me to publish it. So here it goes . . . thoughts on aging, specifically, on our parents aging.

Imagine a woman who knows she enjoys this soft friendly dog who likes to get in cars, even though she can’t remember its name or gender (you can bet she never blanks out when it comes to #TeamPetey, ha!), but that’s okay because she doesn’t always remember who our kids’ parents are, just that she loves all of them, and us. Emotional memory is powerful like that, seeming to outlast even memories of youth and jingles and nursery rhymes and the re-discovered joy of playing with sticks and leaves when she sits outside and of fiddling with trash from the console of the car (ignoring someone directly talking to her by name in her wonder over an empty Gu package), until eventually those all leak away, too.

But not yet for her. She is still very aware she likes to ride with the sun on her face and that she prefers to do it with a hat (which was confiscated on the day of this picture when she’d filled it full of foul armadillo shell pieces and stinky deer bones to ask what they were), so our ORV/Razr was a lovely surprise every day. And horses. Every day she became braver and more in love with horses and was elated to learn we had some! At the end of two weeks she had an epiphany, that once she had a horse (two in fact) and it was a beautiful moment for her, and bittersweet for us as she wondered if there was ever a way to see a picture of the horse again (there is, her son included Peanut Butter in a slide show a few years ago, one she used play incessantly on her computer, running through the hundreds of images and cherishing the memories they evoked, while they were still clear to her).

Imagine, if you dare, imagine the courage it takes to face each new day like this, with most current things new and scary again, like 50 First Dates, but without Adam Sandler’s helpful video for Drew Barrymore’s character to get you up to speed. Imagine the leap of faith and trust every morning, the pretending and hoping no one notices. We helped her keep a diary each day, although it was a) mostly oh-so-slowly dictated by us to her to write down because she couldn’t recall her day and b) augmented by us before she left to make sure the things she enjoyed all made it in. We pasted in and captioned pictures. Each day she read haltingly from the beginning all the way through before she would attempt the current day, and each time, she expressed shock (and asked the same questions about) the things in it. Even on the plane ride home, Eric once again took her through it over and over. I doubt she’ll open it again unless someone picks it up and shows it to her—the near past is *past* (bits and pieces come in and out of focus) and she doesn’t notice much around her unless someone gets her specifically onto something—but maybe I’m wrong.

(This hits home for me very poignantly, given my memory and speech struggles of the past year and a half.)

On the last night of her visit, we reminded her she’d spent a few weeks in St. Croix before she came to visit us. “I did? When? I really did?” she asked, and burst into tears. The anxiety of traveling home, even with Eric, was crippling and in those moments she blurts out anything. Like, “how can I be sure I won’t starve while I’m here?” Or “I don’t know why no one believes I didn’t go on a church mission to Haiti last year, even the people at church don’t believe me, which is so embarrassing, because I DID (She didn’t, sadly).” Or “but I can’t wear these socks they have holes, and no I didn’t bring other black ones and they have to be black and no I can’t borrow yours” until Eric becomes the parent and has to say firmly, “Mom, I’m putting these socks and shoes on your feet right now and then we’re getting in the car,” because there’s a plane to catch, and no time for the senior-to-toddler moment. It’s when she is talking to your son’s new fiancee who she has only met once before and saying, “But I don’t understand why they won’t let me live here, I would cook and clean and help out and wouldn’t be any trouble, I promise. Why doesn’t anyone *want* me?”

And what is left in those moments is the holding of hands, the sudden smiles, letting her sing the nursery rhymes and agreeing that yes it is amazing she can remember the words to so many, the knowing you can make it happier and easier, for a time, and accepting that you can’t turn back the clock and restore her ability to remember. But you can remember. You can remember all the things she forgot, like the times it was your hand she held and your nursery rhymes she listened to, your socks she put on your struggling feet, and your tears she wiped away. You can remember it all for her, as your kids will for you someday.

Aging is not for sissies, I tell you, not for sissies at all.

p.s. I’ll update you more on this later, but I’ve begun working with Hope Rising Ministries, for rescue/recovery of victims of human trafficking. Honestly, my characters Emily and Laura inspired me to do it. If you are interested in learning more or being part of helping survivors through prayer, donations, or volunteerism, won’t you check out Hope Rising? It would mean a lot to me, and to the exploited in our world.

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10 Responses to Not For Sissies

  1. Eric Hutchins says:

    I wish that I had words like you do to tell you how much this post means to me, and more importantly how much the love and patience that you showed to my mother, means to me.

  2. After my dad moved on to heaven, about a year later mom became a bit more forgetful about things we swore she never would. Josh (son) took off work for a year and a half to help in her daily care because she didn’t trust those strangers in her house. She always knew who we were, just had trouble with other people’s names. It wasn’t easy in the sense that I had to watch an unbelievably dynamic woman who took on so many firsts in her generation, slowly erode away. Happily (as awful as that sounds), she passed away before she completely lost herself. I miss her still, both of her, the before and after.
    nan @ lbddiaries recently posted..High Gag Factor

    • Pamela says:

      Oh Nan, that’s a lovely story. Lovely comes real. Real comes from love. So does sadness and grief. Which is why I am a sucker for the sad, real, and the lovely. XXOX

  3. Peggy Burns says:

    As usual, your words touched (no, poked) my heart and made me cry. Your heart is beautiful. We watched as our wonderful, fun loving step-mom became a child again…but she always knew my dad and was comforted by holding his hand.

  4. Susan says:

    Such a debilitating disease. How fortunate to have a daughter-in-law full of kindness and compassion and the patience to document all the Beautiful Moments past and present. A son who has amazing strength of character with a soft heart that allows him to hold his mother’s hand & at the same time, realizing their parent-child roles are now mostly reversed, a willingness to reprimand in order to protect or prod….
    All of it out of pure LOVE …

    God is good to give us the grace to be with loved ones♡

    Beutiful
    AAYF

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